Problem Gamblers' Family Members

The negative aspects of gambling do not only affect the problem gambler. They affect family members, friends, colleagues, society and significant others. In most cases, individuals who are around a problem gambler hardly notice how gambling is affecting them directly or indirectly until it’s too late and also do not have effective coping skills they can use to deal with problem gambling harms.

On this page, we will look at how problem gambling affects different areas of the lives of family members who live with this type of gamblers, which coping strategies can be used to protect themselves from problem gambling and support the individual to recover and protect the family.

Impact of Problem Gambling on Family Members

Family members who live with problem gamblers undergo consequences in different areas of their lives. These negative consequences include relationship problems, financial problems, emotional and psychological problems, health problems, work/educational problems and others.

Below is in-depth information on how problem gambling can affect the lives of family members directly and indirectly.

Relationship harm experienced by family members

Family members of problem gamblers reported disturbing tension and conflict between them and problem gamblers. This conflict and tension contribute to making the home an unpleasant space. Moreover, conflicts always come up when family members try to confront problem gamblers about their irresponsible gambling behaviour.

Family members also feel excluded when their loved ones who are problem gamblers spend much of their money and free time not on family activities but on gambling. Social activities that problem gamblers used to enjoy with their family or loved ones turn out to be ignored.

Various problems that are caused by irresponsible gambling behaviour contribute to gamblers becoming negligent when it comes to the provision of care or love to their loved ones. It is also very difficult for loved ones to spend quality time with a problem gambler. This is influenced by the problem gambler’s manipulative behaviours, unstable mood, anger, irritability and dishonesty.

Conflicts, tensions, and inability to spend quality time as lovers or family members contribute to threats of separation, and ending relationships between them and problem gamblers. The foundation of every healthy relationship includes quality time, healthy communication and peacefulness. Problem gambling decreases these elements in relationships and it contributes to an increase of broken families.

Better Health Channel suggested below strategies to use when your relationship is affected by problem gambling:

• Don’t try to control a problem gambler’s life. It won’t work and will make you unhappy.
• Let the person causing harm through their gambling know you want to support them. They may feel out of control, embarrassed or ashamed.
• Support them in their struggle, but don’t take on their burden, especially not their debts. Choose to say, ‘I can’t do this for you, but I will support you while you are doing it.
• Allow them to take responsibility for their behaviour. Do not help them lie and deceive.

Financial harm experienced by family members caused by problem gambling

Where there is irresponsible or problem gambling there are financial problems. It directly or indirectly affects the families of the problem gamblers. Family financial security is threatened, and the impact can be long-term. Families are forced to downgrade their level of lifestyle because finances have been gambled by problem gamblers.

Moreover, family savings are not safe if the problem gambler can easily access them. Family members who attended support groups or psychotherapy sessions for problem gambling had reported that family life savings had been used in problem gambling behavioural activities. It is either these savings that are used to gamble or pay the gambling-related debt.

Family properties also get lost due to problem gambling-related issues. In support groups and psychotherapy sessions, family members reported loss of homes, vehicles, and businesses due to problematic gambling that is happening within the family. The loss of property and bankruptcy has been noted as one of the most devastating issues on families of pathological gamblers.

Problem gambling has also contributed to credit card debt increase and family bills being paid late. The more credit debt increases the more family members are deprived of their needs as more money is paying gambling debt. Family bills are also not paid, and this leads to a shortage of necessities that are needed for a household to function normally.

This led to the loved ones of problem gamblers looking for second employment or extra income to cover financial debt and unpaid electricity or gas bills caused by problem gambling. Family members start to have little time to rest or they will downgrade and start to rely on welfare for food and shelter.

Family members’ items e.g. cellphones, clothes, laptops, home appliances and cameras are often sold or pawned by problem gamblers to maintain their problem gambling behavior. Family members will have to replace these sold or pawned items using finances that they never planned on using them to pay for these items again.

Emotional and psychological harm to family members

According to Dr James Banks, Dr Catrin Andersson, Professor David Best, Michael Edwards and Dr Jaime Waters, in a study of Family members living with problem gamblers, stated that 83% of family members reported that they experienced emotional or psychological harm as a consequence of a loved one’s issues.

Problem gambling causes emotional and psychological problems for both gamblers and their family members. Most of these reported that the damage caused by problem gambling within the family made them angry, distressed, and embarrassed.

This anger is caused by the big amount of money and items that had been lost due to problem gambling. How these lost properties, money and items will be recovered causes distress to family members. The whole problem of gambling causes shame to family members, and it embarrasses them when they see other families developing in different areas of their lives.

Some family members struggle to cope with these emotions. They end up getting diagnosed with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and adaptive disorders perpetuated by problem gambling stress.

Health harms experienced by family members

Family members had reported that their physical and mental health had deteriorated due to issues that had been caused by the presence of problem gambling.

In family members’ psychotherapy sessions, they stated that they felt down, stressed, depressed and hopeless after the loss of savings, property and relationships or marriages. Loss of appetite, problems with sleeping patterns, weight loss, easily annoyed and irritability, feeling down, the feeling of failure to protect the family from gambling harm, etc, are some of the symptoms relatives of problem gamblers present with after they go bankrupt or loss of their property and business.

In some cases, they go through grief when a problem gambler has committed suicide due to pathological gambling. Some family members resort to destructive coping strategies to escape the new reality caused by problem gambling.

Alcohol abuse (substance abuse), self-harm (non-suicidal self-injury disorder) and overeating or not eating (eating disorder) become some of their ways of trying to forget the issues that are stressing them. More money is still needed to treat all these health problems that are caused by problem gambling.

Work/educational problems experienced by family members

According to Promises Behavioral Health, the spouse of the problem or compulsive gambler tries to pick up the slack.

Family members who are working or studying fail to focus on the tasks they are responsible for. Students who have problem gamblers in their homes struggle to pay attention in class due to stress caused by problem gambling. This leads to low grades, and eventually, they fail their exams and repeat the classes. Such students had also been reported to be violent, rude or mean towards teachers and other students.

Those who are already employed struggle to deliver at work due to stress and other health related problems. Absenteeism, unpunctuality/lateness and short temper become some of the characteristics that family members of problem gamblers display at their workspace. Failure to deliver their key performance indicators at work lead to disciplinary hearing, suspension, demotion and dismissal.

Other problems that affect family members

Problem gambling has also perpetuated violent behaviour within families where family members are left injured and psychologically traumatized. This violence stems from the anger that both family members and problem gamblers are experiencing.

Hatred arises between family members and problem gamblers due to violence and item theft that occurs as a result of problem gamblers’ gambling. Religious families develop feelings of shame because gambling is seen as immoral or sinful in most religious beliefs.

How Family Members Can Cope With Problem Gamblers

It is always significant for family members to educate themselves about any issue that arises within their families. This will help them to prepare to fight the problem in a smart way. Before you go to war, it is wise to understand or study your enemy and strategies you will use before you engage in a battlefield. Before you fight problem gambling, you need to understand it and come up with strategies to fight it.

Below are some of the ways that can be used if you cope with a problem gambler.

Attending support groups

According to Noel the psychologist in London, family members must remind themselves that they need support in order to deal with the ramifications of someone else’s problem gambling. Make sure they reach out to their social support.

Support groups are developed to help problem gamblers and relatives who are experiencing problem gambling harms. In these meetings, professional psychotherapists and individuals share their experiences and guide those who are currently experiencing problem gambling.

This is where family members can share their problem gambling experiences without being judged and receive effective strategies. These effective strategies can be implemented to support family members to cope with a problem gambler and also problem gamblers to cut down or stop their problematic gambling behaviour.

These types of meetings (gamblers anonymous) are available in many towns globally and they are free. One can find such institutions here.

Attending individual therapy or counseling sessions

Individual therapy or counselling sessions for family members who are experiencing problem gambling help to address specific areas that are negatively affected by it. Through these sessions, they learn the nature of problem gambling, its causes, signs, & treatment options available.

Emotional and psychological damages that had been caused by problem gambling get to be attended and coping strategies are also discussed within these sessions. Anger, shame, embarrassment, stress and loss of hope due to problem gambling will be addressed in these sessions.

Within these sessions they also focus on what options are available to repair the financial damage that has been hanging over the family.

Set boundaries between yourself and the problem gambler

Noel, the psychotherapist in London, stated that it is important that family members establish their own boundaries and decide what they will tolerate and not tolerate. And consequences of a problem gambler must always remain with a problem gambler.

Family members need to be realistic when they address problem gambling harm with a gambler. Adult to adult conversation allows the problem gambler not to feel disrespected. It opens a way to discuss the responsibilities of gamblers and other members in the family in the journey of overcoming this issue.

Problem gamblers need to be informed that they will not be bailed out of their debt or problems caused by gambling. When family members bail out problem gamblers from their issues, the more they feel like they can continue to gamble irresponsibly, and the members will solve the problems.

The more problem gamblers feel the pain caused by their problem gambling the more they wake up and fight it. Some of the responsibilities of family members are to support problem gamblers, fight the problem and not to carry the problem for a gambler.

Family members must make sure they support problem gamblers to attend therapy sessions, attend family counselling sessions and be there through the recovery journey. Solving problems for any person who is addicted to gambling has never helped to stop problem gambling but this perpetuates it. Clear boundaries must be made to avoid enabling the problem gambler.

Educate themselves on how to respond to problem gamblers’ manipulation

Where there is problem gambling, there are habits of manipulation. Family members often become victims of these manipulations. Problem gamblers will lie to get money to support their gambling behaviour. In some situations family members will go out of their budget and even borrow money to give money to the problem gambler or manipulator.

Problem gamblers will come up with sad stories so you can feel pity for them and give them the money they require to feed their gambling habits. They usually use this trick to everyone who is around them who can afford to give them money. One must not easily fall for these stories until they have proof of the story they are presenting e.g. they can ask money to go consult with a doctor or buy medication.

Attending support groups together can be helpful for problem gamblers to notice that their manipulative habits are part of the problem. Engaging with other people with similar problems, as well as with other family members, can help you and your family to realize that you are not alone in dealing with problem gambling behaviour problems.

According to Better Health Channel, “Talk once a week with openness about past hurts or future worries. Take time to have fun together without talking about gambling problems and consider going to counselling together.”

Practical steps to avoid financial harm

A conversation with the whole family about the risks of gambling and how it affects the family finances is helpful. One-on-one conversations with family members must also be carried out, focusing on how problem gambling can destroy one’s life and the future of the whole family.

If a family or family member decides to gamble as part of entertainment, clear limits must be set before gambling. Time and amount of money that will be spent on gambling must be predetermined.

It is also significant that gamblers must use gambling as a way of entertainment and not as a way of trying to generate financial income.

It is important to know where the family money is stored and where exactly it is going. Credit records and bank statements must be shared. These allow transparency to create honest conversations and rebuild trust.

Family members and problem gamblers can work together to protect family finances from irresponsible gambling. Continuous meetings are mandatory to review the family’s budget, pay bills and make financial decisions.

According to Better Health Channel, these are some strategies families can use to protect their finances:

• Carefully tracking all family spending
• Opening up separate bank accounts or having accounts set up that require two signatures for withdrawals.
• Taking on management of the family finances until the gambling is under control
• Agreeing on how much cash or credit your partner can have, so they’re not tempted to gamble
• Opening up separate bank accounts or having accounts set up that require two signatures for withdrawals
• Putting valuables in a safety deposit
• Speaking with the bank to ensure your home can’t be re-mortgaged
• Removing your name from shared credit cards
• Cancelling any overdrafts on bank accounts
• Getting legal advice so you know your rights, if and when needed.

How to Notice a Problem Gambler Within the Family

Problem gamblers often hide their bills, past due notices, gambling winnings or losses. Their debt increases, and they fail to pay their bills, which leads them to financial problems, increased tension, stress, and arguments relating to money.

When they deal with their everyday activities, they easily get annoyed and do not have patience. They show signs of neglecting work, school and personal needs because of gambling. Problem gamblers often have little interest in activities that have nothing to with gambling.

According to the Mayo Clinic, signs and symptoms of problem gambling include:

• Being preoccupied with gambling, such as constantly planning gambling activities and how to get more gambling money
• Needing to gamble with increasing amounts of money to get the same thrill
• Trying to control, cut back or stop gambling, without success
• Feeling restless or irritable when you try to cut down on gambling
• Gambling to escape problems or relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression
• Trying to get back lost money by gambling more (chasing losses)
• Lying to family members or others to hide the extent of your gambling
• Risking or losing important relationships, a job, or school or work opportunities because of gambling
• Asking others to bail you out of financial trouble because you gambled money away.

How to Help a Problem Gambler as a Family Member

Family members are the greatest assets when it comes to supporting a problem gambler to recover. It is hard for problem gamblers to get out of this problem without support from family members.

In order for family members to be useful, they need to help problem gamblers to remove or reduce triggers for problem gambling behaviours. For example, if feeling lonely on Friday night is a trigger to gamble, your family can plan social activities on Friday night and invite you to join them.

Family members may want to continue to work with problem gamblers on debt. If feeling overwhelmed by debt is a trigger to gamble, then regular meetings with your loved ones to discuss bills may alleviate the catastrophic thinking and avoidance surrounding debt.

Family members may be enlisted to help with new healthier behaviours. Problem gamblers and their families must join each other for leisure activities. Family members must ask problem gamblers about the warning signs of relapse. When family members are aware of warning signs they can help problem gamblers to handle themselves from gambling.

When relatives support or help problem gamblers, they must still do it with respect. Do not undermine them because they are going through problem gambling. The moment you undermine or disrespect them is the moment you ruin the ability to work with them effectively.

Children Raised by Problem Gamblers

Homes that have parents who are problem gamblers are often unstable homes. Children who are raised in these homes are exposed to verbal abuse, physical abuse, shortage of food and other basic needs. Most of these children show signs of disruptive behavioural patterns, struggling to interact with other children normally and having poor physical and psychological health.

These children get neglected and they are forced to take care of themselves. Which leads them to poor hygiene and not eating healthy. Their mental development gets affected because they are not receiving quality upbringing attention that must contribute to shaping them to be healthy members of society. The trauma of being neglected affects them for the rest of their lives unless they get help to deal with it.

According to the Family Lives website, “Children of gamblers may also suffer emotional effects. They may feel a sense of shame or stigma because of their parent’s addiction, leading to social isolation and a lack of close relationships. They may also feel a sense of abandonment or neglect if their parent is spending more time gambling than with them or meeting their needs. This can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.”

Key Takeaways

Problem gambler’s family members experience a lot of issues that come with this matter. In many cases, help is only given to a problem gambler, forgetting that the harm of problem gambling also affects family members.

The article focused on various aspects of family members’ lives that are negatively affected by problem gambling. Besides discussing how problem gambling affects relatives and other loved ones, we also elaborated on coping strategies that can be used to deal with problems.

References 

• Promises Behavioural Health – How Problem Gambling Affects The Family
• Noel Bell psychotherapist in London
• Mayo Clinic – Compulsive gambling
• Better Health Channel – Gambling – advice for family and friends
• Family Lives – Parenting with a gambling addiction